I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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