And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
