Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
