Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
