Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
