Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
