Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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