I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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