Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
