i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
