Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
