Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
