Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
