Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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