You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
