Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
