No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
