sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
