we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
well, you know. whores of a feather.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
