My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
