I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
