I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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