As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
