I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
