I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
farters have to be the big spoon...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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