from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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