New invention idea: vibrating tampons
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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