I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
