It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
