Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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