she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
