I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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