remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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