If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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