she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
