I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
