She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
