put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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