I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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