I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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