Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
