her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize