When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
