I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm lost and stupid without you.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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