I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
