she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
