How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
