Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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