We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
we're so committed to being not committed
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
