She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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