I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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